(from June 1996...)

Greetings again, all.

I went through CPR and Basic First Aid training again last week. The Park Service doesn't have "Resusci-Annies" (too much $$$); instead they have the "Actar 911's". Picture a plastic head with no features, with a slightly alien look to it, and a mouth that looks like it was modelled after an inflatable "love doll." The head is attached to a blue plastic foam pad that looks like a bulletproof vest from a low-budget sci-fi flick. The pad is folded over itself to form a U-shape, and the head is attached to the bottom of the U, with a small plastic bag inside secured to the neck by a rubber band. The front and back of the blue pad are secured together inside by a black plastic cylinder that looks like a shock absorber boot from a very large motorcycle. There are no other body parts. When you breathe into the mouth of the "alien" the bag inflates like a lung would, and when you press on the chest of the "alien" the cylinder compresses.

The instructors were the husband and wife team of Greg and Joy Stiles. Greg is the park's emergency services co-ordinator and Joy is a CD ranger. We would watch Red Cross video segments, then go to work on the Aliens. Greg would give us the prompts, and we would then try to resuscitate the dead Alien. It went something like this...

Greg: "You've come across an apparently unconscious alien, er, individual. What do you do?"

(Tapping the alien on the shoulder), "Are you OK?" (scan alien for bleeding or other problems ["oh my god, his arms and legs have been ripped off!"], then point to partner), "Call 911." (Place head near alien's face, looking towards chest to find out whether he's breathing.)

Greg: "He is not breathing." 

(Place hand on forehead and lift chin to tilt head back to open airway, then give two "rescue breaths," making sure that air is going into the baggies, er, lungs, then look for a pulse along the alien's neck.) Greg: "He has no pulse." 

(Interlock your fingers and place your palm on the sternum, just above the notch in the ribcage, and give 15 compressions, about one a second, counting the compressions as you go. Greg says that bystanders will think you know what you're doing if you count. Then give two more rescue breaths. You're supposed to do this for one minute.) 

Greg: "A minute has passed."

(Place head near the alien's head to see if its breathing, and take its pulse.) Greg: "The victim is breathing and has a pulse" (and views you as a prime Earth specimen as he reaches for his anal probe...).

We also learned how to give CPR to a child and to an infant, how to do the Heimlich Maneuver, how to splint a broken limb, how to wrap a wound, and other fine tidbits that may come in handy in the park.

Ranger Joe, Healer of Aliens