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Basic Principles

J Behavior is strengthened or weakened by its consequences.

J Behavior ultimately responds better to positive consequences.

J Whether a behavior has been punished or reinforced is known only by the course of that behavior in the future.

J Behavior is largely a product of its immediate environment. 

How to Raise Well-Behaved Kids

If you are in pursuit of well-behaved, well-adjusted children, you need to understand how your behavior is connected to your child's behavior. Behavior does not occur by magic. It is not inherited. A well-behaved child is not the result of luck. Children learn by copying, or modeling -- they listen, observe and imitate. Therefore, you have a powerful influence on them, so think carefully about what you say and do in front of your kids.

Learning the Right Way to Discipline

When parents are asked how they discipline their children, most parents would explain how they punish their children. They yell, scold, spank, take privileges away and restrict their children to their bedrooms. But discipline and punishment are not the same things at all.

Discipline is really about teaching decision making. It's teaching children how to make better choices about their behavior, how to be responsible, and showing them that they have the power to choose how they behave.

Seeking control (though punishment) is seldom a better tactic than seeking cooperation (through discipline). Once you believe that discipline is about teaching decision making, you and your children will have an improved, cooperative attitude about discipline in general.

Positive Parenting Strategies

Strategy One: “Clearly communicate your expectations to your children.”  This includes a clear description of those behaviors that will get your attention, typically taught best in a role-playing setting.  Make it brief and make it crisp then let the children be on their way.  Don't be concerned if the children don't agree with you. Agreeing is not that important, assuming that your expectations are reasonable. But their understanding of your expectations is important.

Strategy Two: “Ignore inconsequential behavior.”   Most annoying behaviors of children are not worth paying attention to at all.   Certainly, there is no way of identifying with absolute certainty, but, as a general rule of thumb, age-typical behaviors should be ignored.  Place your emphasis on building relationships between you and your children in many positive ways.

Strategy Three:  “Selectively reinforce appropriate behaviors.” Parents MUST be constantly aware of the behaviors of our children and to carefully select and skillfully reinforce those behaviors that should be strengthened.

Strategy Four: “Stop, then redirect inappropriate behavior.”   Occasionally, children will exhibit behaviors that simply can't be ignored. These are behaviors which left unattended can result in serious damage and harm to person and property.  First determine whether the behavior is a predictably reoccurring behavior or whether it is an unexpected, out-of-the-blue, behavior.

Strategy Five: “Stay close to your children.”

1. Remain verbally close to your children - Spend time talking to your children. Model good verbal behavior. Teach your children through example and involvement how to express themselves, how to listen, and how to engage in conversation one with another.

2. Build a positive relationship - Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability of making things better, don't say it and don't do it -- just talk, don't judge, don't sermonize, don't moralize, don't instruct, don't reason, don't advise - just talk. This doesn't mean there will never be times when you will advise or instruct, but make those separate occasions when that is what the occasion is for.

3. Increase appropriate physical interactions - In addition to hugging, appropriate touching, tapping, rubbing, patting, scratching, and jabbing are wonderful ways of communicating with our children. Arm wrestling, playfully scrapping on the playing field, a good back and shoulder rub at the end of the day-this is the glue that binds.

Treatment of predictably reoccurring behavior:

· First, describe the behavior.

–Descriptions like "you are too mean," "you've got to shape up," etc. are not acceptable. You must be very specific, such as "We've noticed during the last two weeks, that almost daily, you have gotten very angry with your brother. Why are outbursts of anger so inappropriate?"

· Don't ask why he is angry, rather why such outbursts are inappropriate. This invites the child to become part of the problem-solving process.

· Ignore those attempts of the child to blame someone else, minimize the problem, or sidetrack the conversation.

· Acknowledge any appropriate response  and then describe the desired alternative behavior.

· Ask about the things he/she can do that will show self control in stressful situations, and why that is desirable.

· Role play a situation if necessary, which is practicing the desired behavior.

Treatment of rare, unexpected, out-of-the blue behaviors :

Maintaining complete composure, but with firmness in voice and a stern but controlled facial expression, the parent should immediately put a stop to the behavior.

    -For example, simply say, "I'm sorry you're upset about something. Go to your room and relax. You'll feel much better soon."

Later, when emotions have calmed down, look for opportunities to selectively reinforce appropriate behaviors.

    -discuss feelings, but DO NOT allow that discussion to degenerate into fault finding, searching for fairness, placing blame, and all that junk. Use the discussion to clear the air, develop skills, and build bonds.

How to Handle Back Talk:

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your kids, but you can learn how to fight fair.

• Don't attack

• Don't belittle

• Don't condemn

• Define what the problem is

• Define how to rectify it

• Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

As you are observing your children and making a plan for improving their behavior, you must make three promises to yourself:

1. Promise to have courage to be open and to accept new ideas. If what you are doing is working, stick with it. If not, try something new.

2. Promise to have patience. If your son is 12 years old, he has had 12 years to develop his behavior patterns. Give him time to change.

3. Promise to practice. Every parent must practice -- even the best parents. Just as your children learn behaviors, parenting behavior is also learned. Good parenting skills do not appear suddenly and instinctively. But they will become more natural the more you practice them.

Preventing Behavior -- or at least reducing -- Problems in the Home

•Establish and provide the necessary structure: rules/expectations and consequences.

•Set limits; be clear and consistent.

•Your responses to your child's behaviors/misbehaviors should be predictable, not random.

•Avoid getting pulled into a power struggle or a shouting match with your child. Try lowering your voice rather than raising it – make statements without lecturing.

•Organize and arrange the home environment in a way that will optimize the chances for success and avoid conflict.

•Set up routines and adhere to them as closely as possible.

•Maintain flexibility and a sense of humor!

•Only give your child chores and responsibilities that he is developmentally able to handle.

•Focus on your child when he is behaving appropriately. Make it your goal to catch him doing things right with high frequency and praise. Identify and specifically point out the positive behavior(s) and positively reinforce them at those times.

•Avoid sarcasm, ridicule, criticism, nagging, yelling, and screaming or physical punishment.

•Use "do" statements rather than "don't" statements.

•Avoid fatigue -- your own and your child's.

•Purchase toys, books, and games that are developmentally appropriate for your child -- not too frustrating.

•Try to keep calm and avoid discipline that is reactive and not thought out in advance.

•Anticipate problem situations, stressors, and frustrating expectations and work around them.

•Plan ahead how you will deal with inappropriate, challenging behaviors -what you (both parents if possible) agree to be the consequences/punishments for those specific behaviors.

•Provide a limited number of choices.

•Monitor and supervise. Notice when your child is becoming agitated, overly stimulated, angry, etc., and intervene.

Selected Web Resources:

• FamilyEducation: http://familyeducation.com/home/

• Girls and Boys Town -Parenting: http://www.parenting.org/

• Parent Soup: http://www.parentsoup.com/

• Positive Parenting Prescriptions: http://www.parentrx.com/

• SchwabLearning.org - a Parent’s Guide to Helping Kids with Learning Disabilities: http://www.schwablearning.org/index.asp

• The National Parenting Center: http://www.tnpc.com/

• Today’s Parent: http://www.todaysparent.com/